Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes, courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying "I will try again tomorrow."
I do not recall where I found this, but today is particular day when I feel the urge to hold onto this... It has not been a horrible day, but neither has it been a great day. Thinking of this quote helps though. I know that every day is different and that I can, indeed, try again tomorrow.
September 8, 2011 was a Thursday, I wore the same grey dress with structured seams running 360 degrees around my center, each about four inches long creating symmetrical vertical "ridges" (to make people look taller perhaps??) which ended symmetrically just above my knees that I wore to my grandparents 60th wedding anniversary -- except I wore it without my "happy" pale pink sweater. I wore it alone like a suit of armor to fruitlessly try and protect myself from what I knew was eminent... For the first time in my life I had the unhappy and completely unsettling task of severing a connection that was so very important to me.
It was necessary, I know, but if I put myself back in that place long enough I still feel my world unravel, the cruel silence punctuated by the gardeners at his place and my heart felt like it was breaking yet again. I made it less than two blocks before I had to pull the car over and broke down into sobs for who-knows-how-long. It was the absolutely correct decision to make, it was removing myself from a situation that had become toxic/hazardous to my sanity/happiness and yet...
It took more strength and courage to remove myself from that situation than I knew I had. To give up, to turn and walk away, to know that I had finally, irreparably, deliberately injured/changed others lives (including my own)... If I slip and start playing the "what if" game, even a year later, I find I can still hurt -- but that is what scars are for right? To remind us that something happened but that life has continued and hopefully the scars are mostly healed? This one does remind me of a very difficult emotional/mental battle that left an invisible scar on my soul (hopefully the first and last time I will ever have to cut someone out of my life). Thank God for my parents and few people I knew I could trust to keep things quiet yet be there to support me, help me, be there for me, and help me find my way back to being happy.
I have continued to grow and try again and have been able to move on. Some days are still a struggle, especially when I want to turn back. Yet if I was to do so, I doubt there could be any true happiness and so I sometimes will sit quietly and know that I can still hurt. Then I try to change that hurt and realize that I although I was severely bruised that I did not truly break. I have had hundreds of "tomorrows" since then and more continue to arrive with each sunrise. I have the courage to continue and to love and to appreciate the good in life. Thank you to everyone who made me happy/smile/reached out to me. I shall continue to learn and try again -- hopefully there will be an ending that is actually the beginning of a new life that shall help me be (mostly) happy for the rest of my days. In the meantime I will continue to hold onto this quote, continue moving on.
(One year later -- how could it already be a year? At the same time wow, it has already been a year. Sat. Sept. 8th 2012 - busy day. Funeral of a family friend from elementary school church community -- she had just turned 40 two weeks ago. Then her reception -- in the elementary school hall which is located across the street from the church. Afternoon with a group that will hopefully be allowing me to help out for at least a few months -- they work primarily with individuals who have Down Syndrome and although my sign language is rusty from lack of use there is a need for someone who has previously volunteered with children who have disabilities and can sign -- hopefully I am still semi-fluent enough to be a help to them because I need to distract myself/become less stressed! Book reading update on Monday will show how I tried to "escape" into literature again in the past week).