December 28th

Example of a Completed Christmas Day Advent Wreath
(purple.purple.pink.purple.white) ~ the single white
candle in the center is added on Christmas Eve and
lit at midnight/on Christmas Day to celebrate
the birth of Jesus

So today's image is an example of a completed Advent Wreath (lit on Christmas Day ~ the single white candle in the center is usually added on Christmas eve and is lit at midnight/on Christmas Day to celebrate the birth of Jesus)

Today I am also remembering YESTERDAY, December 27th, 2013

One: We had dinner with some of my Dad's side of the family and it was lovely!! (Christmas Day we celebrate usually with a brunch, with my Mom's side of the family ~ it was also lovely!!)

Two: Dec. 27th my nephew (Baby K) turned three months old.  As prior posts have noted, on Christmas Eve my only sister decided suddenly (because yes, a plan to pick up her new family of three so they could celebrate for at least an hour before going out of town to spend time with the baby's father's side of the family)... ahem. Christmas Eve my sister changed plans and instead of time together for the first time since Thanksgiving, myself, our parents (baby K's grandparents AND godparents) along with everyone else on Baby K's mom's side of the family has not gotten to see or hear from any of them.  With the exception of the heated texts on Christmas Eve (because instead of the three of them, she wanted his whole family to come over and decided to say that at about 9pm -- then took back all visiting possibilities and stated that we would more or less be lucky to see him before, at, or after the new year).  STILL NO BABY K, NO SISTER, NO CONTACT. 

Hurt yet starting to be able to move past it -- with tiny steps at least :  (

Waiting...

Pretty Tree

Trying to not let things get to me.

Waiting... to figure out how to let go of the way my sister lives her life (and therefore how she controls that we have not seen - even in photos - the first grandson/nephew for a third of his life. Technically tomorrow actually, he was born the 27th, not the 26th.  But really, no response on baby's FIRST CHRISTMAS!???)

Waiting... for test results to see if more procedures are to be done or if I am to sit and wait for a few more months then be tested again (and again and again)... At least I am honestly not worried at all about the results.  As far as I know I can only fall into two categories and I can deal with either one -- I just really am disliking this waiting stuff.

Waiting... to return to a positive, faith filled, hopeful person.  I try, yet I know I was at the very least a bit of a drag on Christmas Day this year (which I hated, but again, am waiting to be able to move past things I have no control over).

Waiting... so that I can be a great aunt (I know how to be, just not receiving the opportunity)

Waiting... to have dinner with some family from the other half of my family tree tomorrow night (Also hoping I can at least pretend to be a bit more cheerful than I was on Christmas Day -- I did try and smiled and talked but it just felt like a day of loss and I cannot get out of this funk yet).

Waiting... for a long-time friend (five years) to let me know that the move back to Chicago went alright and to be okay with knowing I cannot visit from CA -- at least not in the near future! Those five years sure did fly by fast...

Waiting... for the new year because hopefully I will have actually moved on and am no longer pretending as I have been the past week

Happy Boxing Day Everyone! (Day After Christmas)

Merry Christmas 2013

So yesterday THIS happened... Prayers/understanding/support/love please??

Want to wish you all a Merry Christmas...

First ever photo Christmas Card (how did we avoid it all these years??)

Bottom row of 3: Four generations; Family dog; Mom C with son Baby K

Most ADORABLE photo to come from my nephew (Baby K's) photos taken the day before Thanksgiving

Baby K's First Christmas (2013)

Love, Happiness, Family, Friends, Life, also a VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!


UPDATE AT 9:45pm -- no contact from my sister still. No visit, no call, no text, not even a Christmas photo... Today was an absolute LOSS day which just sucks.  After the relatives left I curled up in bed and cried myself to sleep.  I cannot seem to give up and trust in God that things will work.  I kept hoping and praying all day -- both to let it go, and to have them come by (or at least make contact!!!)

Disappointing/Hurtful Christmas Eve

Yesterday I was happy, excited, and had what I thought were realistic expectations. Today, a couple (or more) episodes of Downton Abbey with my mom and aunt.  My mom and I were both sorry that my aunt changed her mind about coming by but we understand she is busy.

The Disappointing/Hurtful Christmas Eve comes from -- wait for it -- my sister.  She got into a large and hurtful argument with my mom (who was simply reminding her of our offer to pick up my sister, her son, and the baby's father)... My sister said many unkind things and ended up declaring that no ride was needed -- none of them were coming for Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, nor anytime in the near future.  We are apparently (IN HER MIND) not "worth" visiting since she decided (ON HER OWN) to only spend Thanksgiving with our side of the family (and not the baby's father's side of the family -- although she is living with them).

So the last time my sister and nephew came (aside from a few hours after a doctor visit the Monday after Thanksgiving) was on Thanksgiving Day.  They both stayed a few days then went back to the father's parents apartment.  Have not seen (in person nor in photos) either of them for nearly an entire month now. 

Plus, "to add insult to injury" as one might say, my sister also decided that instead of "allowing" us to drive her to work this Friday -- she had agreed we could watch the baby overnight for the first time ever (after saying she was "just joking" before when she sent a text saying none of us could watch the baby overnight ever because he had to stay where he could be taken care of -- !?!?!?!?!?!).... Anyway, my sister stated that since the baby's father's entire family could not join our immediate family brunch on Christmas Day that none of us are able to see nor the baby this holiday season.  The baby's father is supposed to re-enter rehab yet again on Dec. 30th so we shall see how long she will remain in the apartment with the baby, the baby's father's mother, and her two dogs.

In case you think I am blowing things out of proportion, being so hurt and upset about the new family of three not coming over for an hour or two on the baby's first Christmas -- they had planned (and will be going) to a Christmas Day afternoon/evening/overnight with the baby's father's side of the family (held at one of his cousins house).  We are blessed that God sent the most adorable little nephew/grandson -- yet I am so stuck on the fact that we are blocked from seeing him -- we love him and are absolutely more than capable of watching him!  My sister has a room here and the baby has his own space/clothing/books/etc which we provide for them...

Calling it a night. Going to help finish wrapping up some gifts and then try to get sleep.

Merry Christmas Eve -- may yours be MUCH better than mine! ::HUGS::

Catching up

Hello blog world ::HUGS:: Playing catch up with about eight months since I went *poof* from here...

First, my apologies.  I do not have any reasons that are "good enough" for not posting.  I have, however, been following as many of your blogs as often as I could have. Also there have been several major health issues in my immediate family but shall stick to the top three: both of my grandparents, and my only sibling, my younger (well, 26 to my 30 years) sister.

My grandfather had a major heart attack, was in the hospital for a while, then moved to home hospice care (couple smaller heart attacks at home) -- and now is recovering very well!! So thankful, and hospice care has been stopped because he has improved so much!  Able to go ahead and re-schedule his skin cancer removal surgery (on his cheek, under his eye) -- he now only has a tiny bandage instead of half his face covered in gauze!



While my grandfather was ill, my grandmother somehow hurt her back but did not want to "take attention away from my husband" -- well intentioned of her yet she now has a compressed vertebrae which will take at least three months to recover from.  Luckily my relatives have been able to purchase a zero-gravity chair for her which she is able to sleep in.  Apparently she had not slept in her bed for a while and simply declined to tell anyone until asked point blank.  (Really though, how am I to guess the exact questions?  Multiple family members play this "game" and I dislike having to guess to get answers!)  She too is healing which is lovely!

My younger sister found out that she was expecting, and I know she does not understand how blessed she was (and is!!!) with her pregnancy and new son. I prayed and have bent over backwards getting her doctors appointments (luckily with our parents help) and... just so thankful and grateful she only had one tiny bump in the road during the unexpected pregnancy.

(C going on nine months)

(Baby K at only ten minutes old!)

She and the boyfriend (fiance now) were both using substances they should not have - which only increased my anxiety - but both of them (and his family) seemed to only be familiar with the "pregnant equals healthy baby" story and I could not bear to share the stories I know nor connect her with people who have been/are going through so many struggles to get something so very very precious.  Between my own worries and my concern for others online I have waited until now to be able to say that she has a healthy baby boy who was just baptized last weekend!



Lots to talk about, however there are days to come...Love the holiday season so with Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years all coming up hopefully I will post more (my godson and his family visiting, baby K getting baptized, etc, etc) Happy Fall everyone!!

"Love comes to those who still hope although they've been disappointed, to those who still believe although they've been betrayed, to those who still love although they've been hurt before."

Forget how much it hurts and try again

When I was younger it really was not a problem for me to fail and start over again.  After I got sick -- at first I could not focus at all, I have memory gaps.  Then I started to just exist, and eventually I started to live again.  There was even a few years where I was doing alright and could fail and start again.  Recently... I find that I am having a lot of trouble forgetting how much things hurt.  People, promises broken, hope lost... Having difficulty wrapping my head around various things, sometimes hurting other people in the process but never on purpose.  It is not my intention to ever be hurtful.  I am missing strength... support... hope... I keep trying and either being told I am not doing well enough or am asked why I am not working or helping out more or... So much frustration and not knowing how to make things work anymore; it is just so frustrating and it would be easier to not have this moment

Tired of so many things...yes, I know this makes me ungrateful. Not happy.

Feeling drained

Yesterday turned into a bad day because I made both myself and a family member feel badly.  There were negative things said and tears and even after apologies had been said I still spent the entire evening feeling like crap.  Not fun and no good resolutions have come to my mind yet and I once again just feel emotionally drained and hurt. Knowing that I hurt someone else makes me hurt worse.  Why can I not see the good things in life for longer than just a couple of days? Feeling frustrated and drained.