Baby K Tummy Time

Two comparison photos (10 weeks between photos, eep!)...

Baby K Tummy Time with Tia J at 5 weeks old (yes, a blanket supporting him so I could feel comfortable moving away to get a photo)

Baby K Tummy Time with Tia J at 15 weeks old (during brief visit this week, first since Thanksgiving Eve/Thanksgiving Day -- miss him TONS and TONS)

Baby K Baptism

(Personal Note: I am "handling" things slightly better than during December, however my only sibling, my sister C has still chosen to not visit with her only child, her son Baby K - our parents only grandchild and my only nephew.  Several posts last month... They spent two nights/day before Thanksgiving with us - Baby K was exactly two months then two months one day -- and have not had either of them over since because my sister decided late on Christmas Eve that she was 'done' and we could not see her son.

Hopefully -- because we have newlywed long-time family friends visiting from Mexico next week -- C and her son K might put in an appearance... After six and a half LONG weeks of no visits.  Luckily we did get one single text message with a single photo of Baby K this past week!  He looks so very different, obviously, instead of eight weeks he is nearly fifteen weeks!)

Okay, done with rant.  My apologies.

I know I kept promising a baptism post (my nephew) -- and here it is!
(Also coming up this week is the wedding of my cousin R to her husband C)

Baby K was baptized by our long-time family friend, Father Edwin, on Sunday, November 17th 2013 in a small private (Catholic) ceremony -- isn't he ADORABLE in his white suit?? He was asleep as we arrived at church, so waited until the last minute to add his white suit (with tails!)

His mother (my sister C) and her boyfriend B very lovingly took turns holding their son Baby K.

Left to Right: Godfather M; Godmother P; Dad B holding
Baby K while the priest pours holy water over his head;
and Mom C (the camera angle has her slightly blocked
however you can see the purple flowers in her hair)

Our parents (M and P) were Baby K's only godparents (as is tradition in the Catholic Church -- one practicing Catholic of each gender is chosen for each baby -- sometimes only a single godparent is chosen though which is allowed if two are not "wanted"/"available").

Immediate Family: Baby K, his parents (C and B),
God parents (M and P -- are C and my parents so
they are also Baby K grandparents), and myself, J

Photo of FOUR GENERATIONS on BOTH SIDES of Baby K's family!  He is such a lucky little guy!!

Mom C, grandparents, great-grandparents in purple
Dad B, grandparents, great-grandparents in green
(white are Godparents and Father Edwin)

I KNOW there must be photos of the reception after (as mentioned, small, perhaps 25 guests??) however I cannot find a single photo, not even of Baby K's baptism cake! If I find them later I shall share : )

Prayers... Taylor, Michael, Abigail, Gloria WunderGlo, and more

Gerber Daisies -- yellow to represent a certain family but these
are also the unofficial flower of our high school (FSHA - Flintridge
Sacred Heart Academy)... Sure to be at Gloria's life celebrations which
start tonight (she was one year ahead of me in high school) - more in this post

 January 10th (2014)

Initially lit a couple years back for angel Taylor. For me this
image reminds me not only of her - also of two of her angel siblings
(Michael and Abigail) -- also many others who gained their wings too early.
Always in my thoughts and prayers -- the angels and their families.

Already posted this week, however Gloria "WunderGlo" diagnosed with stage four colon cancer at age 28.  She fought long and hard yet finally passed away Sunday after getting to celebrate her 32nd birthday, last Christmas, and last New Years on earth. Viewing and rosary tonight with a full day of celebrations tomorrow (info located here). If you are a Face.Book individual you can also simply type in Gloria Borges

Friday, Jan 10th 6pm-9pm
Viewing and Rosary at St. Robert Bellarmine Catholic Church
133 N 5th St, Burbank, CA 91504

(Saturday, Jan 11th
10:15am-12:30pm/Memorial Tribute at Walt Disney Concert Hall/111 S Grand Ave, Los Angeles, CA 90012
12:30-1:30pm/Light Reception in the Blue Ribbon Garden
2:00pm/Funeral Mass at The Cathedral of Our Lady of the Angels/ 555 W. Temple St, Los Angeles, CA 90012
3:15pm/Procession to Interment Ceremony at Forest Lawn Memorial Park/6300 Forest Lawn Dr, Los Angeles, CA 90068

Open House Celebration Party immediately following at WunderGlo’s house
3260 Bennett Dr, Los Angeles, CA 90068)

 January 10th (2014) ... Has become another day to stop and remember many, and as the image below reminds me, [we] must pray hardest when it is hardest to pray.  Love, prayers, support, and ::HUGS:: to so many, named and un-named, as well as their families and loved ones

Lost to Colon Cancer at 32

I learned that a friend who I went to high school (FSHA) with, Gloria Borges, who was diagnosed at age 28 with stage four colon cancer, passed away yesterday morning (Sun Jan 5th) at the age of 32.  Love, prayers, and support particularly go to her husband Will and her parents, Becky and Mike.

2013 Will and Gloria (blue hat) and her parents Becky and Mike

Gloria was such an inspiration, and although she was a year ahead of me at FSHA (class of '00 while I graduated in '01) her life became so amazing after she was diagnosed in 2010!  Please indulge me while I share the LINK TO HER BLOG (WunderGlo) ... to the foundation she created to stop colon cancer THE WUNDERGLO FOUNDATION ... also a very short video she was in which shows just how full of life she was and how much anyone could learn from her/life lessons to take away:

WunderGlo (Gloria talking)
<iframe src="//player.vimeo.com/video/71126797?title=0&amp;byline=0&amp;portrait=0" width="500" height="281" frameborder="0" webkitallowfullscreen mozallowfullscreen allowfullscreen></iframe> <p><a href="http://vimeo.com/71126797">Wunderglo</a> from <a href="http://vimeo.com/agsent">AGS Entertainment, Inc.</a> on <a href="https://vimeo.com">Vimeo</a>.</p>

Colposcopy Results (good!)

I realized I did not say anything about my colposcopy results!  So sorry for those who were waiting -- I finally got a call late Dec. 30th (I think they waited until the last second of my "a few days to two weeks maximum")... Anyway, I have as good news as possible (yay, something else positive in my life!!)

So this year I had a colposcopy done on Dec. 17th.  Still have a virus (same as last year), still have irritation (same as last year), still need to come back in 11 to 12 months (same as last year) -- HOWEVER!  Same as last year -- no progression!!!

This means I continue to sit and wait and eventually it will either go away or will develop into pre-cancerous growth.  Unless it goes away for three solid years (three clean/normal PAPs), I just get to wait around and do a yearly pap that gets abnormal results which gets me another colposcopy appt which gets more samples taken and the cycle goes on and on and on and on....

Not sure if I am making any sense -- bottom line is I do not have to have any removal procedures, nor have I been given any new diagnoses.  VERY GOOD NEWS.  On the other hand, I have to sit and wait for every November to roll around and likely every December I'll have another colposcopy.

Thankfully, all the prayers/good vibes/etc worked (THANK YOU) and I have no progression (nothing is worse).  So a positive start to a new year!

New Year's Day 2014!

"Ring in 2014 ~ HAPPY NEW YEAR"

Today is the first day of a new year -- prayers and hopes that good wishes/events/happy times are waiting for everyone during 2014. Especially lots of quality time with loved ones! ::HUGS::

Welcome to 2014! (sparklers ~ another online image)

P.S. In case you have not guessed, living in Southern California means that every New Year's Day is absolutely to include The Rose Parade! Perhaps many of you have seen it on television, or in person?

Optimist (def.)

"OPTIMIST: Someone who figures that taking a step backward after taking a step forward
is not a disaster, it's more like a Cha-Cha"

"OPTIMIST: Someone who figures that taking a step backward after taking a step forward is not a disaster, it's more like a Cha-Cha" 

(Please send some prayers/positive vibes if you have any to spare ~ Thank You ... no colposcopy results still as well as nothing from my sister and nephew)

December 28th

Example of a Completed Christmas Day Advent Wreath
(purple.purple.pink.purple.white) ~ the single white
candle in the center is added on Christmas Eve and
lit at midnight/on Christmas Day to celebrate
the birth of Jesus

So today's image is an example of a completed Advent Wreath (lit on Christmas Day ~ the single white candle in the center is usually added on Christmas eve and is lit at midnight/on Christmas Day to celebrate the birth of Jesus)

Today I am also remembering YESTERDAY, December 27th, 2013

One: We had dinner with some of my Dad's side of the family and it was lovely!! (Christmas Day we celebrate usually with a brunch, with my Mom's side of the family ~ it was also lovely!!)

Two: Dec. 27th my nephew (Baby K) turned three months old.  As prior posts have noted, on Christmas Eve my only sister decided suddenly (because yes, a plan to pick up her new family of three so they could celebrate for at least an hour before going out of town to spend time with the baby's father's side of the family)... ahem. Christmas Eve my sister changed plans and instead of time together for the first time since Thanksgiving, myself, our parents (baby K's grandparents AND godparents) along with everyone else on Baby K's mom's side of the family has not gotten to see or hear from any of them.  With the exception of the heated texts on Christmas Eve (because instead of the three of them, she wanted his whole family to come over and decided to say that at about 9pm -- then took back all visiting possibilities and stated that we would more or less be lucky to see him before, at, or after the new year).  STILL NO BABY K, NO SISTER, NO CONTACT. 

Hurt yet starting to be able to move past it -- with tiny steps at least :  (

Waiting...

Pretty Tree

Trying to not let things get to me.

Waiting... to figure out how to let go of the way my sister lives her life (and therefore how she controls that we have not seen - even in photos - the first grandson/nephew for a third of his life. Technically tomorrow actually, he was born the 27th, not the 26th.  But really, no response on baby's FIRST CHRISTMAS!???)

Waiting... for test results to see if more procedures are to be done or if I am to sit and wait for a few more months then be tested again (and again and again)... At least I am honestly not worried at all about the results.  As far as I know I can only fall into two categories and I can deal with either one -- I just really am disliking this waiting stuff.

Waiting... to return to a positive, faith filled, hopeful person.  I try, yet I know I was at the very least a bit of a drag on Christmas Day this year (which I hated, but again, am waiting to be able to move past things I have no control over).

Waiting... so that I can be a great aunt (I know how to be, just not receiving the opportunity)

Waiting... to have dinner with some family from the other half of my family tree tomorrow night (Also hoping I can at least pretend to be a bit more cheerful than I was on Christmas Day -- I did try and smiled and talked but it just felt like a day of loss and I cannot get out of this funk yet).

Waiting... for a long-time friend (five years) to let me know that the move back to Chicago went alright and to be okay with knowing I cannot visit from CA -- at least not in the near future! Those five years sure did fly by fast...

Waiting... for the new year because hopefully I will have actually moved on and am no longer pretending as I have been the past week

Happy Boxing Day Everyone! (Day After Christmas)

Merry Christmas 2013

So yesterday THIS happened... Prayers/understanding/support/love please??

Want to wish you all a Merry Christmas...

First ever photo Christmas Card (how did we avoid it all these years??)

Bottom row of 3: Four generations; Family dog; Mom C with son Baby K

Most ADORABLE photo to come from my nephew (Baby K's) photos taken the day before Thanksgiving

Baby K's First Christmas (2013)

Love, Happiness, Family, Friends, Life, also a VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!


UPDATE AT 9:45pm -- no contact from my sister still. No visit, no call, no text, not even a Christmas photo... Today was an absolute LOSS day which just sucks.  After the relatives left I curled up in bed and cried myself to sleep.  I cannot seem to give up and trust in God that things will work.  I kept hoping and praying all day -- both to let it go, and to have them come by (or at least make contact!!!)

Advent Week Four

Advent Week Four - December 2013

Wow ~ all four candles lit!  Just a few days left now... Christmas "Adam" (Dec. 23rd) ... Christmas Eve (Dec. 24th) ... then Christmas Day (Dec. 25th)! I think I have written this on every Advent post this year, but the past week seems to have flown by!

Yesterday was a bit of a conflicting day -- on one hand, I did VERY well until nearly five in the afternoon -- on the other hand the evening my body was really fighting and so today has really been a pj/bed/food/restroom/bed/bed/bed type of a day.  Nothing urgent on the agenda prior to Christmas Eve mass though, so today was an excellent day to rest and hopefully nothing negative will disturb tomorrow either... Oh!  I have been working (with paper and pencil) to get the details nailed into place for both sides of my family tree!  Just from both sets of my own grandparents through all of their children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren; however it has been a project!

Had initially been trying to finish before Christmas, and I think perhaps I shall be able to have the paper and pencil version completed by then.  New plan is to find time and a computer program that will allow me to somehow shrink everything yet still make it easily read-able.  Currently I think I am up to four or five pages (for each side of my family tree) running length-wise on regular 8.5" by 11" lined paper.  Would very much like the printed version to have individual photos... Shall see how it works out!

Wishing everyone a wonderful holiday season and THANK YOU to everyone who has been keeping me in thoughts/prayers/good vibes -- no test results yet but this week I should get news of some sort.  Not the best timing, but it is better than waiting, right?

Shall try to get in the posts about my cousin R's wedding and my nephew K's baptism soon! (Also one about my day trip yesterday - lots of holiday cheer!)

Blurry Me (Previous Christmas)

Blurry Me (Previous Christmas - two years ago?)

Three weeks today ... Missing my nephew and frustrated/hurt/mad/confused

Cramping stopped, still bleeding but only a little

Prayers/positive vibes if you can???

One step at a time

"one step at a time"

"I will trust God even in the silence"

"Always smile back at little children.
To ignore them is to destroy their belief
that the world is good"

Hello -- just taking it easy so here are a few images with quotes that I like (and that I may or may not have posted onto this blog already!)

In all thy ways...

In all thy ways acknowledge him
and he shall direct thy paths"

"When I am afraid I put my trust in you"

Having a colposcopy done today -- trying (as always before anything medical nowadays) to remain in a good mindset and know that everything happens for a reason.  Even if I do not know what it is nor why I am involved.  Any extra prayers/positive thoughts will be greatly appreciated!

Colposcopy and missing my nephew

 

So tomorrow I have to get a colposcopy done (for those who have not had one it is along the lines of a regular PAP except a bit more invasive -- more physical samples, etc).  Have been trying to avoid thinking about it and... well, it's tomorrow so I did well for a while.

Still missing my nephew, Baby K.  Photo above is from his second time visiting (Oct 22nd??) Realized that aside from the few hours he was here on Dec. 2nd, diagnosed with a mild case of thrush and also trying to fight off the effects of his first round of shots... Thanksgiving Day was the last time I saw him or my sister.  Would be so nice to have a busy baby to distract me from facts like I cannot support myself, huge chance I cannot get pregnant ever (at least not in the next decade, which puts me close to 41 years -- because of my medical stuff and medications for it), also since I can't take care of myself that puts adoption and surrogacy very far out of reach... So when I say that I am never going to have a child of my own, it hurts.  Mainly because I never wanted to be anything other than a mother.  Seriously, when I was around four years old I decided I wanted to be a mom and since turning seven years old I would help with family and friends babies, moved "up" to mother's helper (parent was home but I was in charge of the child) then "up" again to full-time babysitter.  Also worked for Recreation and Parks for City of Los Angeles for over a decade -- although my favorite age group is 0 to four years.

Yep.  Absolutely rambling this past week.  Does help to share... I will post about my cousin R getting married (lots of photos!) and Baby K. getting baptized (a few photos).  Tomorrow I don't know, maybe just a photo of flowers and asking selfishly for some positive thoughts/prayers?  Also since I am reaching, an excellent colposcopy (meaning they do NOT find what they are re-looking for, it magically disappeared?) and that my sister WANTS to happily visit and Baby K comes along and wants to see his Tia.

Advent Week Three

Advent Week Three - December 2013

Just like that, another week flashes by.  We are now in the third week of Advent! Perhaps if I loved every month like I do December, (with holiday spirit, decorations, Christmas), every year would fly by...

I am very thankful for my family and friends...

Currently feeling a little too tired

Love, prayers, faith and hope

Sandy Hook, Missing Baby K, and Christmas Decorations

A year ago today I could not find the words to write anything down, so I found an image online and prayed for everyone who was hearing about Sandy Hook (including myself), however particularly for those who were so closely connected with the horror story that resonates with nearly everyone who heard about it.  A week later I posted this and since then have tried to focus on the positive things in life.  On a first anniversary though... prayers, another secret act of kindness, and again trying to focus on Christmas. Faith, love, hope, support, and many prayers go to all who need them - whether they are asked for or not.

Today I am missing my nephew, Baby K. (Which reminds me, I have not yet posted about his baptism! Perhaps this week).  How do I phrase this... Baby K's father and his family have, in my very biased opinion, a type of "hold" over my sister.  This saddens me not only because there are often long periods of time without communication, but at this moment in time I have not heard from her/about her/seen her for twelve days now. (As explained here I think I only got to see him then because he was sick and my sister needed to sleep -- am so thankful they came and I could help for at least half of a day)  Prior to my nephew being born I would usually be successful at different techniques that help me to let go and understand that it is her life.  Now however... I find myself hurt and resentful that my parents and I are not being included...  It is stressful to know that Baby K is loved and wanted yet being kept from me -- literally no communication and to not at least get a photo... I think what I really hate is that my sister pulls away, and that having the only baby (only grandchild -- PLUS my parents are his only godparents! more in the baptism post) ... I allow my sister to hurt me and hurt my feelings by treating me as though I did something wrong.  In this particular instance the "hold" (or "influence"?) that she is under is keeping her parents and her only sister from Baby K.  I know she loves us, and I know we are good influences for her and the baby.  (His father, on the other hand, keeps walking out of court-ordered rehab after he was released from jail, and is not always around to help my sister with their less-than-three-months-old baby boy which FRUSTRATES ME).  Photo below shows how long my hair was last month!  I just had about four inches trimmed off, am considering returning to a chin-length bob or at least getting a shoulder-length cut (not sure yet).

Tia J with Baby K trying on his first Halloween bib!

I need to end my rant because I am simply too hurt by various actions (and lack of actions) to continue.  I do not want to hurt anyone by saying things that I know or sharing too much.  I am thankful that my nephew is being loved, even if he is not in what I personally believe is a great environment, and I know there is a better option, but I am not his mother.  I also know that he is not being physically harmed.  I just love him and my sister so very much that I want to help/do the best I can... Being ignored and cut off just frustrates and hurts my soul... perhaps I should allow it to damage my relationship with my sister but I care too much.  Also I would never want to get in the way of one day being able to help my nephew. Even if I have to hurt and wait, eventually I know his Tia (his aunt) will be needed.  So I shall try to be a quiet doormat, and always remain a loving family member because I cannot change another's decision process (nor influences).

The first photo of Baby K, his mom, and myself (March 4, 2013)

C's first ever ultrasound! (Standing with my sister as she
holds her very first child's photo on March 4, 2013)

Today the tree has all of it's ornaments (including a CUTE gift of ceramic baby shoes with blue decoration that say "Baby's First Christmas" and "2013" while tied together with baby blue ribbon)... also garlands are up and decorated in the archway between the living room/dining room and between the dining room/kitchen.  If you were following me last year this sounds very familiar -- not to worry, same garland tradition for well over a decade!  Helps to spread Christmas cheer around the house and ornaments are not confined to the tree *smiles*

Barely visible writing says "Baby's First Christmas"!

Advent Week Two

Week Two (of four) of Advent has arrived and I am still struggling with gift ideas.  Part of me wants to at least send cards to all of my family/extended family/friends/those I have lost touch with/pay it forward to strangers/all that jazz... Realistically I have been able to focus on helping create a "family" gift for just immediate extended family and write Merry Christmas (or Happy Hanukkah, or Happy Kwanza, or Seasons Greetings, or Happy Holidays) on my various social media.  Sometimes emails, but I never feel like it is enough.

No matter how quickly time passes between each Advent season, I am so very thankful when December rolls around again.  Whether I have had a great year, a horrible year, or landed somewhere in-between, Christmas/December/holiday music always reminds me of family, love, support, stability, warmth... Although there are 52 weeks in every year and I always tell myself I will try to appreciate this year -- every year slips through my fingers.  And I am only thirty (already thirty!) this year...wonder what life will be like in the future!

As a Catholic, these four weeks leading up to Christmas Day every year give me the amazing opportunity to stop and be thankful for everything (good and bad) in my life.  I try to take this time to focus on something/everything that is positive/good/uplifting in people's lives because I know of/have heard of/have read/have experienced not good things.  And, being human, I often fall/sink/fail.  Advent is a time where I try to really focus outside of myself and not allow myself to get caught up in personal drama (ok, still human, I try not to focus for very long on things that are negative in my life).

I shall, of course, continue posting here hopefully for a long while... This year though I am going to invite all of you to leave me a message or send me an email (disappearingrose@yahoo.com) and I will send you a personal holiday note.  Please let me know what holiday you are celebrating, or if you would prefer the more generic Season's Greetings : )  Also I want to thank all of you, because most if not all of you have been sharing your lives with me via the online world and I really appreciate it.

Halfway through the Advent Wreath -- this week I shall be sure to pray extra for all of my social network friends!! ::HUGS::

Remembering Pearl Harbor

Every December 7th, whether or not I write about it, I know my family and I include Pearl Harbor as a day similar to Memorial Day and Veteran's Day -- we stop and think, pray, thank, wonder, etc, etc about everyone who did serve, is serving, and will serve our country. To protect us, to protect our freedom, to protect our way of life.  Although some things have changed since December 7th, 1941 "A day which will live in infamy" as FDR said.... Nothing really changes. At least that is how I feel many days.  We fight, individual and global battles, and somehow there is never that "happy ending" that I grew to love

Online photo of USS Shaw being hit in Pearl Harbor Attack on December 7 1941

Many are given the chances, the choices, the opportunities to do something however, and to make a difference, take even a small step towards good and away from evil is a victory.  I know I ramble, and am not sure if I get my true feeling across, but I try to see things from various sides/angles... I know that I am very blessed and thankful to not have had to live through a world war.  I hope and pray that we never see such tragedy again - yet I know I am not in control of anyone's future.

A man at the Pearl Harbor Memorial in Hawaii

As I mentioned last year on here, I was fortunate enough to go with my family once to the memorial at Pearl Harbor.  Traveling not just to the land memorial, but stepping onto the memorial on the water, seeing the names go on and on -- and knowing there were so many stories I would never know -- it was overwhelming. I am thankful for so many experiences and for what I have... May God bless and love all of us, giving us the strength and happiness in whatever way He sees fit.

God answers prayers with a: yes/not yet/no/I have something else in mind for you

[In case you cannot read the image directly above it states "God answers prayers with a "yes"/"not yet"/"no"/"I have something else in mind for you" ... Personally I believe we can all relate to these answers, particularly the three that are not a "yes" -- frustrating/maddening at times, but God has a plan]

Today - maybe we can all be a bit thankful today for the blessings we have

Patience is a virtue

Patience is a virtue that I am lacking today, particularly with two members of my family.  Calming thoughts and prayers please?  Just difficult after a day when I am so tired/worn out.  Thanks!

Scrabble Tiles - PATIENCE

P.S. Sorry, still no kitchen renovation post. Manana?