Lilypie - First Birthday

Lilypie - Fourth Birthday

Monday, December 16, 2013

Colposcopy and missing my nephew


So tomorrow I have to get a colposcopy done (for those who have not had one it is along the lines of a regular PAP except a bit more invasive -- more physical samples, etc).  Have been trying to avoid thinking about it and... well, it's tomorrow so I did well for a while.

Still missing my nephew, Baby K.  Photo above is from his second time visiting (Oct 22nd??) Realized that aside from the few hours he was here on Dec. 2nd, diagnosed with a mild case of thrush and also trying to fight off the effects of his first round of shots... Thanksgiving Day was the last time I saw him or my sister.  Would be so nice to have a busy baby to distract me from facts like I cannot support myself, huge chance I cannot get pregnant ever (at least not in the next decade, which puts me close to 41 years -- because of my medical stuff and medications for it), also since I can't take care of myself that puts adoption and surrogacy very far out of reach... So when I say that I am never going to have a child of my own, it hurts.  Mainly because I never wanted to be anything other than a mother.  Seriously, when I was around four years old I decided I wanted to be a mom and since turning seven years old I would help with family and friends babies, moved "up" to mother's helper (parent was home but I was in charge of the child) then "up" again to full-time babysitter.  Also worked for Recreation and Parks for City of Los Angeles for over a decade -- although my favorite age group is 0 to four years.

Yep.  Absolutely rambling this past week.  Does help to share... I will post about my cousin R getting married (lots of photos!) and Baby K. getting baptized (a few photos).  Tomorrow I don't know, maybe just a photo of flowers and asking selfishly for some positive thoughts/prayers?  Also since I am reaching, an excellent colposcopy (meaning they do NOT find what they are re-looking for, it magically disappeared?) and that my sister WANTS to happily visit and Baby K comes along and wants to see his Tia.

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