Waiting...

Pretty Tree

Trying to not let things get to me.

Waiting... to figure out how to let go of the way my sister lives her life (and therefore how she controls that we have not seen - even in photos - the first grandson/nephew for a third of his life. Technically tomorrow actually, he was born the 27th, not the 26th.  But really, no response on baby's FIRST CHRISTMAS!???)

Waiting... for test results to see if more procedures are to be done or if I am to sit and wait for a few more months then be tested again (and again and again)... At least I am honestly not worried at all about the results.  As far as I know I can only fall into two categories and I can deal with either one -- I just really am disliking this waiting stuff.

Waiting... to return to a positive, faith filled, hopeful person.  I try, yet I know I was at the very least a bit of a drag on Christmas Day this year (which I hated, but again, am waiting to be able to move past things I have no control over).

Waiting... so that I can be a great aunt (I know how to be, just not receiving the opportunity)

Waiting... to have dinner with some family from the other half of my family tree tomorrow night (Also hoping I can at least pretend to be a bit more cheerful than I was on Christmas Day -- I did try and smiled and talked but it just felt like a day of loss and I cannot get out of this funk yet).

Waiting... for a long-time friend (five years) to let me know that the move back to Chicago went alright and to be okay with knowing I cannot visit from CA -- at least not in the near future! Those five years sure did fly by fast...

Waiting... for the new year because hopefully I will have actually moved on and am no longer pretending as I have been the past week

Happy Boxing Day Everyone! (Day After Christmas)

Forget how much it hurts and try again

When I was younger it really was not a problem for me to fail and start over again.  After I got sick -- at first I could not focus at all, I have memory gaps.  Then I started to just exist, and eventually I started to live again.  There was even a few years where I was doing alright and could fail and start again.  Recently... I find that I am having a lot of trouble forgetting how much things hurt.  People, promises broken, hope lost... Having difficulty wrapping my head around various things, sometimes hurting other people in the process but never on purpose.  It is not my intention to ever be hurtful.  I am missing strength... support... hope... I keep trying and either being told I am not doing well enough or am asked why I am not working or helping out more or... So much frustration and not knowing how to make things work anymore; it is just so frustrating and it would be easier to not have this moment

Tired of so many things...yes, I know this makes me ungrateful. Not happy.