So. Yes. Where to start. I think I have mentioned a couple of times that I had a rant coming, a rambling post, a couple of things I wanted to share with the hopes that writing out the words will keep them from sitting like a pot on the back burner of the stove that is part of my brain, continuously thinking even when I actively attempt to pursue another endevor.
To clarify the title: no, I am not pregnant, and no, I am not getting married. (Not dating even - although there are two guys who have been on my mind recently). However, there are multiple cousins on both sides of my family (on one side there are eight cousins, on the other side there are nine cousins) who have gotten married or who have a child between 0 and 4 years. Also a few have bought their own homes.
Now this does not sound remarkable, and is quite normal in many, many aspects. However two things happened in the last ten days. One: I re-found the only existing photo that has every single cousin in it on my Dad's side of the family. (It was taken at his father, my grandfather's, funeral. As the oldest I was three days past my twelfth birthday, and the youngest cousin was a mere 15 days old). Two: a cousin from my mom's side of the family (who has a three-year-old) confidently and casually posted on F.B. that she is seven weeks pregnant with her second child -- and she thinks it is a girl.
*breathe in, breath out, breathe in, breathe out*
I can only write about this here because many of you who drop by KNOW, as I think only the wife of one of my cousins (well, he knows obviously), that getting a positive pregnancy test does not always end in a happily ever after baby. One of my family members happened to wander in the room and asked what I was looking at, I told them about the pregnancy announcement. Then, apparently, I made a mistake.
With the photo from the funeral still fresh in my mind (which I mentioned), I started going through ALL of my cousins and realized that on one side of the family (out of eight of us) there are only three who are not married and/or have a child. Myself (30 years), a ten-year-old, and a four-year-old. On the other side of the family (out of nine cousins) there are only s;kalsjkdf who are not married and/or have a child. Myself (30) and three others (and two of those three are in long-term relationships).
The family member who I told this to looked at me with a combination of looks/sounds in their voice but the ones that were most obvious were incredulity, pity, confusion, and disbelief. "Is that REALLY what you see/think? About who is married and/or has a child?"
I almost cried. No, I waited until I was settled for the night, then I did sit and cry, drank a mug of tea, then went to bed.
They did not mean to make me feel badly. They simply believed that I was absolutely over-reacting. Part of me wonders if I really am, but part of me knows that I am not over-reacting because the half of the family that I spend most of the time with is the side where all the cousins (aside from myself) have at least one child and/or are married -- or are 10 and 4. Three great-grandchildren on that side of the family, so aside from me (30 years) the only other non-married non-children are literally ages 10, 4, 4, 3, and just under three months old. So YES, I see the world differently
Also for those of you who I have not shared with -- I developed a health issue during college that has something like a 99.8 percent chance of sticking with me until I die. I am very blessed and lucky in so many ways because I currently have it under control and take medications twice a day, every day, for the past nine and a half years and shall continue to take medication to keep it under control (hopefully) for the next few decades of my life. That was not the case when it first developed, I think back most days and I believe I have three years of fuzzy/missing memories. Except, of course, things like having electrodes glued to my scalp for overnight testing -- and therefore experiencing a lopsided turban of white gauze balancing precariously on my head... visits from family and friends that I only know happened because there was a box of See's Candy left for me or a card with a handwritten note...
Wow. This sounds like a sad tale. It is not really. I am absolutely happy that my family/extended family has been so blessed. I love that I am now not only a godmother (which is a huge blessing) but also an aunt (which is another huge blessing). I am loved and cherished by two of the very best parents in the world, as well as having grandparents, other relatives, friends, family friends, church friends, etc who would pretty much do anything if I asked them for their help.
Sometimes though, when someone asks me if I really see the world a certain way, I guess I stop and wonder if somehow I do take things too far. I know I think all the time, but I did not realize I would feel hurt, when asked, almost as though salt was being rubbed into an open wound that I did not know existed.
Yep. LONG LONG LONG rant/ramblings.
For the record I do not obsessively go over things I have just typed out -- I really do try to live as full a life as I can every day and I love the holidays particularly because it provides me with more opportunities to hang out with family and friends who might otherwise not have enough time... the month of December, I have found, is the month that most people are willing to step out of their normal routine and spend a little extra time doing pointless nothings -- which are all the more important because of extra time spent together. Somehow there is never enough time in life, no matter how short or how long that life is
|Stop. Smile. Breathe. Life is Beautiful.|